I like steak. I like blowjobs. I don’t much care for Steak & a Blowjob Day. It might come as a surprise to hear this from me, an esteemed Blowjob Novelist who for some reason has decided to completely alienate his target audience, but this is one load of truth that I can not hold back any longer.
The tone of the official Steak & a Blowjob Day website is as you might expect: the spawn of Maxim magazine and the Beef Council. Photos galore of hotties in their underwear, hard at work in the kitchen. While I do give them credit for raising money for charity, they are more or less confirming that this day is in fact an act of revenge against Valentine’s Day and it is an act of entitlement against significant others. This holiday stinks of the deplorable men’s rights movement, but it can not be as easily dismissed. Continue reading
I wouldn’t have written a 324 page novel about blowjobs if I didn’t have at least a few opinions on the matter. What follows is my best attempt to pool my knowledge, tips, and personal preferences into a simple 4-step process for giving the best blowjob ever. That’s right, this is another listicle and one that doesn’t neglect the testicles.
I should preface with the statement that I cannot speak for the blowjob preferences of all men. In fact, I will be highlighting some techniques that are specifically targeted to men who watch blowjob porn. So, I guess that is 99%* of men? (*citation missing) If you are trying to provide oral pleasure your non-porn-watching man, then this may not be the blog for you. Congrats on finding your dude, by the way. May you never have to experience the depths of depravity that lie in the paragraphs ahead. Continue reading
Do you remember the days before sex blogging? Perhaps you don’t—and that goes for some of the bloggers in my list below—so I should explain. Quality sex education and entertainment was much more consolidated and less diverse. Books from big publishing houses, the nudie magazines that we all know by name, and of course Big Porn were your best bet for getting the juicy, graphic details about what people are capable of doing with their sex lives.
Yes, there were plenty of gems to be found like the Real Sex HBO series, if your parents purchased cable, or if you could sneak in a viewing at a friend’s house. Despite those fluffy bangs and handsome mullets, Real Sex is a timeless piece of erotic history and nothing of its range and calibur has been produced since. I surmise that this is because sex blogging has actually picked up the baton from televised media and is much more capable of dishing out the goods at an exponential rate. Continue reading
I was browsing my local book store the other day and I noticed there were quite a few bestselling books titled The (insert blank)’s Wife. Although this trend is obnoxious (man = important profession or super power, wife = wife of that man), this isn’t going to stop me from exploiting it. As a blowjob novelist, I can assure you that exploitation is my super power.
Also, I decided that rather than write my first blog post to tell you about myself, it would be infinitely more entertaining to interview my wife and editor, Vera Atwood, to see if I can 1.) get her naked 2.) get her to agree to lascivious sexual propositions 3.) get her to heap praise on to my already over-inflated ego and 4.) ask her about her new book. What follows is my best effort on all counts.
Is that really you in the picture above and if so, what would our readers have seen if I hadn’t tastefully cropped it?
Yes, it is! As for what was cropped out, I’ll leave that to the imagination of your readers, but it does involve a butt. And garters.
What is it like to be married to a blowjob novelist?