Best Blowjob Ever: 4 Easy Steps

I wouldn’t have written a 324 page novel about blowjobs if I didn’t have at least a few opinions on the matter. What follows is my best attempt to pool my knowledge, tips, and personal preferences into a simple 4-step process for giving the best blowjob ever. That’s right, this is another listicle and one that doesn’t neglect the testicles.

I should preface with the statement that I cannot speak for the blowjob preferences of all men. In fact, I will be highlighting some techniques that are specifically targeted to men who watch blowjob porn. So, I guess that is 99%* of men? (*citation missing) If you are trying to provide oral pleasure your non-porn-watching man, then this may not be the blog for you. Congrats on finding your dude, by the way. May you never have to experience the depths of depravity that lie in the paragraphs ahead.

The rest of you aren’t going to get off so easy. Your partner’s neurological pathways to pleasure have been shaped by porn viewing and so have mine and, hopefully, so have yours.  Let’s embrace it together.

Be warned that the content to follow includes graphic descriptions of sexual acts that you should definitely attempt to re-enact at home. I have also included some NSFW links to some amateur blowjobs/cumshots which do a great job of illustrating key techniques and getting you all horny and primed to deliver an earth-shattering bj.

Step 1. Mission Statement

I’ll bet you didn’t see this one coming. I’ve only got 4 steps and I’m blowing one quarter of my wad on a mission statement? Yes, I am recommending that you formulate a mission statement for your blowjob. Guys are mission-focused, especially successful business men like myself. These are the guys that get blown most frequently* (*citation missing) and with good reason. They aren’t lazy slobs. When they set out to do something, they do it with passion and a sense of purpose.

To further illustrate my point about being mission-focused, have you ever try to get your guy to go out for a walk with you because it all is nice and sunny out? Just a walk. Not to anywhere in particular. Just because it is sunny. Well, you may have discovered that we don’t want to go out for a walk. We want to walk to a destination. That is just how we are wired. The same logic applies to blowjobs. Believe it or not, we often wonder: where exactly is this blowjob going?

You see, fellatio can mean a great many things: precursor to other types of penetration, precursor to cunnilingus, oral for the purposes of a spit-lubed handjob, a cruel tease that ends in blueballs. What I’m trying to say is that a blowjob is infinitely better when the guy knows that you intend to start it and finish it as a singular sexual experience. You should never feel obligated to do this, but if you do intend to do this, then you should let a fella’ know!

Knowing in advance that you are going to be orally pleasured until you ejaculate is a huge turn on and it really speeds up the whole process. You can establish this with a mission statement. Compose your mission statement with the following ingredients:

  1. Dirty Words – Cock, dick, cum, load, fuck, suck, balls, etc.
  2. Consent – Ask if it is okay to suck that cock. You already know the answer, but we get a kick out of the question anyway. Also, consent doubles as a flirtatious act of submission when you throw in a “please.”
  3. Destination – Tell us where the cum is going or ask us ahead of the main event. Don’t leave this detail hanging until the last possible second, when a warning shot is already dangling from your chin.

Regrading 3. above, I don’t mean to suggest that men shouldn’t ask where the blowjob giver wants the cum and also give them a warning before they deliver it. This is absolutely always required of a blowjob receiver. However, if you take this very important responsibility away from us we will enjoy the blowjob even more. We can just sit back and relax and not have to worry about negotiating the details mid-orgasm.

Now let’s combine 1, 2, and 3 above and whip us up a fresh batch of blowjob mission statements!

Here is a bare bones mission statement:

“Good morning. Can I suck your cock and swallow your cum?”

If you don’t like swallowing:

“Can I suck your cock and get your cum all over my tits?”

Let’s take it up a notch:

“I want to lick your balls and suck on your big fucking dick you until your shoot your warm, sticky load down my throat. Is that okay?”

That was a good one. Perhaps one too many adjectives, but good. This next one is my personal preference:

“If I suck on your cock and balls really good and try to deepthroat you as far as I can go, will you please, please, cum all over my face?”

“Deal.”

Thanks to your mission statement, your guy is already hard. I know I am.

Step 2. Hands & Face

You have just told your man that you mean business. Now you need to show him that you mean business. Don’t be shy about reaching for that cock and balls. I recommend grabbing that cock with authority in order to convey that you are eager, enthusiastic, or at the very least, awake.

Hands

  1. Hold his cock at the base and not the head. The head, especially the frenulum* (*area just beneath the urethra* [*hole the cum squirts out of]), is way too sensitive a place to start and can cause an unsatisfying premature ejaculation. Stroke the base of the shaft instead. Feel that dick getting hard in your hand, not to mention the panties soaking between your legs.
  2. Cup the balls. A guy’s scrotum will tighten up when he is excited and this is a very important step that can get overlooked. You should help tighten up that ballsack with a massaging hand while his cock hardens in your other hand.

Face

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Your face is the most intimate and interactive part of your body. If you aren’t using this to your advantage then your blowjob might come off as very impersonal and business-like, or worse yet: like a chore. Some dick-on-face action is the bee’s knees, if you ask me.

  1. With cock and balls still in your hands, look up at him with a smile. This fucker is about to get it good and now he knows it! Keep that dirty talk going and remind him what you are about to do.
  2. Press his cock against your face like this (NSFW). Cock-slap your cheeks and forehead. Rub his swollen head back and forth over your nose. Think of it like your nose is being knighted by a cock-sword.
  3. Rest his sack on the bridge of your nose while you are stroking him. If he looks surprised, just tell him that you really like the feel of his cock and balls on your face. If you are an overachiever, you can lick his taint and/or ass.

Holy hell. You’ve got him by the balls now.

Step 3. Fellatio

This is the step I am the least excited about, believe it or not. The actual act of the cock going in and out of a mouth/throat can be a pretty bland and repetitive affair. This is also the step where most of the other blowjob blogs both start and endThere tends to be too much emphasis on the sucking and slurping techniques. I can tell you first hand that we can barely feel your expert tongue strokes. The cock is not especially sensitive to nuanced stimulation, which is why we are always so eager to slap it on your face/tits/ass and thrust it inside of you like the beasts that we are.

I believe that with excellent performance in Steps 1 (mission statement) and 2 (hands and face) you can help cut down on the time spent doing the labor, which is Step 3 (fellatio), and enjoy Step 4 (climax) in record time. Maybe you can even get over to that brunch place while it is still early?

So, how to actually suck a dick? Well, you put it in your mouth/throat, avoid touching it with your teeth, and bob that head. You can also swirl his shaft with your tongue, spit on his dick, deepthroat down to your esophagus and hum the entire H.M.S Pinafore (SFW). It’s all good. Still, some extra tips:

  1. Admire the tip of his cock and lick up the precum that is leaking out. My favorite move is when my wife pulls her tongue back to create a dangling strand of precum. It’s like cum bridge from my cock to her mouth – a sexy visual that foreshadows the huge cumshot that is on the way.
  2. Take ball breaks. When your head/mouth/throat/neck get tired, suck on those balls, gently at first to gauge his sensitivity level.
  3. Go back to Step 2! When you aren’t sucking and throating, you should be jerking and rubbing his cock and balls all over your face in a naughty spectacle of cock-worshiping decadence.
  4. If you trust him, then you can ask him to fuck your mouth. This gives you a break and lets him go at his own pace. This is a good way to speed up the finish.

Okay, now you’ve gone and done it. He’s going to cum.

Step 4. Climax

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Either you are so skilled at sucking and jerking a cock that you can make it rain semen whenever you want, or you can just ask him to give you his cum. I like it when a girl asks.

Warning: this is not the best time to ask the guy where he wants to cum. Don’t pose an open-ended question when a guy is near climax, especially if you just met. You risk activating his critical thinking, which is the antithesis to ejaculating. There are only four correct ways to handle the climax question, the first of which beats out the other three by a landslide:

  1. You’ve already established it in your mission statement. Remember? You asked him to shoot his load all over your face/tongue/tits and now it is GO time.
  2. Just tell him where to cum with confidence and tell him that you “really want it.” It isn’t lying because either a.) you really do want it, or b.) you really want this thing to be over with. I mean, you have brunch plans with Brent and Shauna and the wait times get ridiculous after 11 AM.
  3. For a guy that you just met, maybe give him a short multiple choice: face or mouth, mouth or tits, etc. Give him two or three options tops. Hopefully one of those options is also his preference.
  4. The guy doesn’t give a damn about all of your planning and blowjob-blog-learnin’ and just steps up to get this done by asking “Where do you want it, baby?” (credit where credit is due for that line)

Well, by now you are either covered in cum or you’ve got a mouthful of it. Congrats. You blow girl! 

Cum Play

Along with the preference for facials, cum play is likely a highly valued fantasy for the porn-watching, jizzlobber in your life. If you really want to impress, you will give him the pornstar experience and play with that cum (NSFW).

Yes, he has already ejaculated and it might seem silly, but he will never forget such imagery. You are creating a lasting erotic memory that will make him hard every time he thinks about it. This might cause you to be late for brunch, but you could also get that marriage proposal that you have been waiting for.

  1. Talk about the cum. Tell him it tastes good. Tell him there was soooo much of it! Tell him you can’t believe that he totally covered your face!
  2. If you’re swallowing, show him the collection in your mouth and then gargle, blow bubbles, or just let him watch you gulp it down. Then you can go back to 1. above by telling him, “Wow, that was a lot of cum!”
  3. If you’ve got it all over you and not in your mouth, run a finger through it and taste it. Pull strands of it off of your face or body and dangle them over your tongue.
  4. Ask him to rub it around on your face with his cock, or grab his cock and do it yourself (NSFW).
  5. Just go about your day while wearing his cum. Go get him a coffee or a beer and bring it back with his load still decorating your face. Or treat yourself to a bong hit (NSFW).
  6. Ask him to take a picture of your facial so that you can compare with your girlfriends on snapchat.

Well, that was pretty damn exciting. He’ll remember that blowjob for the rest of his life.

Now, lets summarize.

Your Best Blowjob Itinerary

  1. Ask to suck his cock and tell him where he should cum.
  2. Grab his cock and balls like you mean business and rub them on your face.
  3. Fellate to the best of your ability and take necessary ball breaks.
  4. Ask for his cum and play with it.

Additional Blowjob Resources

Bella LaVey’s cock worship blog post is the best damn thing I have ever read on this subject and it backs up most of my suggestions.

Legendary Chicago blowjob Queen, Auntie Angel, shares her Fellatio Secrets on DVD and you can learn her famous grapefruiting technique for free on youtube.

Give Good Head: How To Please Any Man by Callie Press is available to purchase on amazon.com. Her philosophy is very similar to mine and she goes much, much deeper into the subject.

Finally, the best resource of all: women can feel free to contact me or my wife for additional in-person, hands-on, mouths-on instruction. Free of charge.

On Deck

I might write a companion piece to this blog post, tentatively titled: Why Guys Like FacialsUntil then, I give you the science.

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Best Blowjob Ever: 4 Easy Steps

  1. Pingback: Brixton Atwood’s: Nothing Beats A Good Blowjobs! | Beautiful Porn

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